Why I’m worried about England’s chances in the Ashes

Our top order is now so useless I expected to be 30-3 even against a team of plodding journeymen, but 85 all out? Jeepers. Do that against Australia and we won’t be recovering to win handsomely very often, if at all.

Anyway the cretins who organised such a pointless exercise against the worst Test team in the world in between a World Cup and the only Test series that matters should be fired forthwith.

Joe Root and Jonny Bairstow should have been on a beach somewhere having a well deserved break following their World Cup exertions, not getting red ball practice against a set of trundling bowlers who will bear no relation to the pace, swing and sheer quality of what awaits them at Edgbaston and so on in the next six weeks.

That was like using a fight with pacifist Joe Bugner to prepare to face an animal like Mike Tyson.

England’s favouritism for the Ashes appears to be based on playing at home. And it’s true Australia haven’t won here since 2001, but they now look to me to have as good a bowling attack for English conditions as the hosts.

There seems little chance of Jimmy Anderson playing five Tests in such a short space of time which is a worry. Jofra Archer might be more dangerous Down Under than in his adopted country. Chris Woakes is more likely to shine in our conditions

It seems certain to be a low scoring series, which is okay as the best spectacles arrive when bowlers are on top, but I have sympathy for anyone who has purchased tickets for the fourth day of a Test, or even the third day. Only rain will take matches into a fifth day.

Australia’s batting appears as frail as ours. Their top four is better, while we will be relying on our fancy stroke players in the middle order to get us past 200.

If I was coach I would order Root to bat at three. He’s always in to face the new ball anyway so let’s try and limit the damage. It’s called leading from the front and, while Root is no Mike Brearley when it comes to tactical thinking, he is comfortably our best batsman and he will need to outscore Australia’s best in Steve Smith for England to win.

Smith has the luxury of being able to bat at four as he has David Warner ahead of him. Root has Rory Burns which lessens the chances considerably of the captain developing pad rash.

I’ve also changed my mind about Jason Roy. He needs to be protected as much as possible from the moving ball so he should bat no higher than four. Two blockers should open if there are any as good as Jack Leach out there.

England will need to win at Fortress Edgbaston this week as the second Test is at Lord’s which means a lottery given the standard of pitch seen there in the last month.

I’d scrap the Lord’s Test if they can’t sort the track out. It would also save us from endless shots of national embarrassments like Piers Morgan and Theresa May.