Swanny’s World of Sport: Why England don’t need KP

Kevin Pietersen should stay clear of the England dressing room.
Kevin Pietersen should stay clear of the England dressing room.
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My ribs are still aching after reading deluded, stupid cricketer Kevin Pietersen’s infamous recent tweet.

“Deep in thought right now...ridiculous that I’m lying on a beach when I should be in UK prepping for the 3rd Test! So silly really! Sad!,” the raging egotist said. Quickly followed by: “Batting as well as ever & the team have huge issues with top order! What a waste, just lying on a beach! I wish I could help!”

The only true piece of twittery from the giant twit (although I assume he really was lying on a beach as well) was England struggling at the top of their batting order.

The rest is self-promoting tosh. Indeed claiming that he ‘is batting as well as ever’ actually suggests he needs help. The likes of Piers Morgan blowing smoke up Pietersen’s backside has clearly affected his ability to think clearly.

Pietersen’s latest work as a highly-paid Twenty/20 mercenary has just ended in failure.

He was ‘lying on a beach’ because, despite being paid a fortune to play for a team called the St Lucia Zouks in something called ‘the Caribbean League,’ he couldn’t score the runs to get his team into the finals.

Indeed in 10 innings against teams with little or no quality bowling, and on boundaries smaller than Market Deeping’s, Pietersen passed 50 twice and averaged just 32, on grounds where mishit sixes are commonplace.

Chris Gayle, a far better player, outscored him as did a Zouks team-mate called Andros Fletcher, whoever he is.

But that’s the story of Pietersen’s career since he was discarded from the England squad. The hype from his fan club is never backed up by any significant statistics.

Take away some bullying of the worst county side in English history, Pietersen does not inspire teams to win, either by scoring heavily or by his mere presence.

His contribution to a very substandard Big Bash competition down under was over-praised.

His sycophants love to point out that he was England’s top scorer the last time he played in an Ashes series which he was, but with an average under 30 in a team that were thumped 5-0.

Does anyone really believe that Australia would fear his return? If he’d played at Lord’s and maintained his recent average, England would probably have lost by 350 runs instead of 400 runs.

Pietersen is finished at the highest level and he’s the architect of his own downfall.

Alsitair Cook and co are just the latest members of a team to find a high maintenance figure too much trouble for the few runs he would now deliver.

I suspect Pietersen craves a return to the limelight more than he craves a return to the England dressing room.

Leave him to his money-making, globe-trotting tour. Leave him to his sun-kissed beaches and childish selfies.

The England dressing room is better off without him.