A vote-winning, sporting manifesto

Jeremy Clarkson should take control of Formula One.
Jeremy Clarkson should take control of Formula One.
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Politicians really are thick. It amazes me that they don’t, at a local or national level, produce a manifesto based entirely on sport.

It would surely be easier than lying about spending power, tax cuts, immigration figures and concern about the National Health Service and education.

It took me about 20 minutes to come up with numerous ways to improve the lives of those who love watching sport. Me in particular.

1) Outlaw the University Boat Race. Obviously this is a tough one for the Tory toffs, but this really is an event that belongs in the 1920s and is not worthy of the attention it receives from our national broadcaster or from our national treasure Clare Balding.

It’s been infiltrated by too many foreigners and virtual professionals anyway so what charm it had has long gone.

2) Many people would suggest more sport should be shown live on the BBC, but I disagree vehemently. The licence fee should be scrapped and the public (or ‘ordinary people’ as smug, rich Ed Miliband likes to call them) should be ordered to buy a Sky TV subscription as they deliver sport programmes to a far higher standard.

Football folk shouldn’t be forced to listen to Gary Lineker’s awful puns and Kevin Kilbane’s irrelevant analysis. They should however be forced to watch the brilliant previews and reviews supplied by the incomprehensible Jamie Carragher and the incomparable Gary Neville.

3) Formula One is the exception to the above rule. Unless Jeremy Clarkson (right) can be persuaded to dream up some new rules, this most boring of sports should be removed from all channels.

4) Sporting immigration needs to be controlled better. The borders of our football, cricket and rugby union clubs should be under a government protection order. The country’s sports supporters are being punished by the selfish, short-termism of club owners.

Not a day goes by without an announcement that some third-rate Pakistani or South African slogger has joined a first-class cricket county just to make a few quid playing Twenty/20.

And when England are useless in the next World Cup no-one will realise it’s because our young players are being frozen out by mercenaries.

5) I have never voted Labour in my life, but I might at the Peterborough City Coun cil elections in May.

The decision to remove matchday groundsman support from our local football clubs has directly and indirectly led to two mass dressing room thefts (that I know about) and numerous cases of disgusting, smelly and soiled changing room areas being discovered BEFORE matches.

The Peterborough Sunday Morning League has surveyed its member clubs on a number of subjects and found out (to no-one’s surprise) that many are leaving the league, at least partly because of the change in the management of council facilities.

It’s a footballing disgrace.