The phoney war that is our exit from Europe is hotting up. Last week former Irish prime minister John Bruton (no I didn’t know who he was either) claimed that the UK’s stance could not just be “a series of demands which appeal to the people of Peterborough’’.
He’s wrong, of course, that is exactly what the UK’s stance is going to be.
I’ve consulted with my fellow Peterborough residents and here’s our Brexit demands.
1. Automatic entry to the Champions League for Posh and a six goal start if drawn against Barcelona or Bayern Munich.
2. A complete ban on riding a bike on Bridge Street also bans on montando una bici, fahrrad fahren and faire du vélo .
3. More Italian restaurants in the city centre. The current ratio of one pizzeria to every 13.43 residents is just too high.
4. Having left the EU and escaped the clutches of Brussels we do not want to become a junior member of the the CU – Cambridgeshire Union.
5. Disneyland Paris to be renamed Disneyland Peterborough and relocated to the planned new development of Great Kyne near Castor (and prices will not go up in the school holidays!).
6. Free movement of labour to be abolished but we’ll make an exception if Spanish actress Penelope Cruz wants to come back to Nene Valley Railway and film another movie.
7. Finland to supply us with a real Christmas tree every year (in exchange the EU can have our white bauble thingy to stand outside the Pompidou Centre).
8. Swedish firm Ikea to open a shop as opposed to a warehouse in the city.
9. Peterborough City Councillors to be paid the 27 per cent pay rise they gave themselves in Bulgarian lev.
10. Former Irish prime ministers, no matter how obscure, must not make disparaging comments about the people of Peterborough.
One of our MPs, Stewart Jackson, will be at the centre of the negotiations as Parliamentary Private Secretary to David Davis, the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union.
If we ask nicely, I’m sure Stewart will pass on our demands.