Alan Swann: the football season's award winners
IT'S been a football season when LAL (laughing at Leeds) has been as widely used as LOL and when Newcastle United fans finally realised that they support a bigger comedy club than Jongleurs.
IT'S been a football season when LAL (laughing at Leeds) has been as widely used as LOL and when Newcastle United fans finally realised that they support a bigger comedy club than Jongleurs.Other than that, there have been too many 0-0 draws and too many 1-0 wins for the over-rated Manchester United side.
But this column has still found some worthy award winners . . .
Best Player: Steven Gerrard by the distance of a Tiger Woods drive. One player who deserves to be managed by someone better than Rafa Benitez. Their respective form over the past couple of seasons has made a mockery of the Gerrard/Frank Lampard England dilemma. Gerrard is so good he could play for Barcelona, Lampard wouldn't get in their reserves.
Worst player: Newcastle have had their own private competition with Fabrizio Coloccini, Jose Enrique, Ryan Taylor and Xisco all terrific candidates along with the West Brom back four. But at 12 million Afonso Alves is one of many reasons why Middlesbrough are mad to keep faith with Gareth Southgate. Alves once scored seven goals in a Dutch League game, but the best he managed last season was two - against Barrow in the FA Cup.
Most undeserving player of the year award winner: Ryan Giggs. Okay he is a nice bloke and he's been very loyal even if sticking with Manchester United is hardly the same as sticking with Crewe. But PFA Player of the Year? Do me a favour, Giggs has had less impact at Old Trafford this season than John O'Shea. Even writing an X in the right place is beyond footballers.
Best manager: Roy Hodgson has worked wonders at Fulham and he's a thoroughly decent bloke who bizarrely never appears to moan at our useless referees, but his team, to be frank, are boring. Darren Ferguson's team are even more entertaining than Stavros Flatley so he's my totally unbiased choice.
Worst manager: Tony Pulis deserves a controversial mention for inflicting gruesome set-piece football on the Premier League so does Martin O'Neill for conceding the UEFA Cup just before imploding in the League, but Arsene Wenger is a clear winner for being too arrogant to sign any decent defenders thus consigning Arsenal to fourth place before a ball had been kicked.
Best fans: Stoke City's. They watched some tripe, but the Britannia Stadium offers the best atmosphere in the Premier League.
Worst fans: Leeds United's: See World of Sport columns on October 4, January 26, February 3, May 19, May 26.
Best commentator: Martin Tyler, when he's not sucking up to the immensely annoying Andy Gray.
Worst commentator: These days match commentators prefer to read out a list of prepared facts and alleged witticisms rather than describe what's happening in front of them, but even those irritations are mild compared to the arrogance of Five Live man Alan Green. This is a man so in love with his own voice he believes a fans' phone-in show means listeners call just to have Green's own opinions rammed down their throats.
Best pundit: Alan Shearer for quitting and sparing us his mangled English.
Worst pundit: Garry Birtles needs to shut up, but Jamie Redknapp has achieved the impossible in making Graeme Souness appear lucid. Redknapp presumably still believes passionately that a Norwegian isn't capable of refereeing a big Champions League match because of the slow pace of his national league. He ignored the fact that a Swiss referee did a superb job in the final.
Funniest moments: Millwall 2, Leeds 1 (aggregate). Torquay 2, Cambridge 0, MK Dons 6, Scunthorpe 7 (pens).
Saddest moments: The one-song Leeds fans when Posh and manager Darren Ferguson came calling. And I don't mean the catchy 'Marching on Together' chant.
Most irritating moments: It now takes two minutes to make a substitution, three minutes to celebrate a goal and four minutes for an MK Dons player to receive treatment.
Best match official: No qualifiers. Judging by the amount of added time played in most games, most of them can't even tell the time.
Worst match official: The toughest category of all to judge, so many worthy contenders. Stuart Attwell was consistently amusing, but for his ludicrous TV-fame stealing, Steve Creighton, the assistant referee at Millwall/Posh gets my vote.
Most over-rated player: Nemanja Vidic was shown up for the clodhopper he is by Fernando Torres and by Samuel Eto'o.
Best signing (player): Paul Coutts. Take a bow whoever it was that mingled with the sheep and cows watching him play in the Highland League.
Worst signing (player): Not Robbie Keane, not even Sergio Torres, but most definitely Jimmy Bullard. Over 30 and a dodgy knee, but still Phil Brown spent 5 million on the Posh hero and wondered why he didn't last more than an hour before collapsing.
Best signing (manager): Alan Shearer. Well done Mike Ashley for getting football's most boring man off the tele.
Worst signing (manager): Joe Kinnear. Mike Ashley proved all season that he doesn't understand football, but appointing an ill man who hadn't any success at any level for almost a decade was breath-takingly stupid.After reading your very 'tongue in cheek' apology to all Leeds fans, it left me wondering what personally your hatred is for Leeds United?
I am really curious as to why you and that really nice guy, Adrian Durham, have a very openly, biased opinion about all things Leeds.
I can understand Mr Durham to an extent as he worked up this way in places such as Hull and Bradford, places that don't have a particular admiration of our great city and all things connected to our football club.
We never heard from any of you back when you were a less successful team and now you are above us in league terms I still wonder why you mention us.
I would appreciate a response but I do understand your "mailbag" is full and it will take precious time out of your hectic schedule.
Oh and by the way it is very sad that any Leeds fan would call you up pretending to be "Posh".
For one, there are no Posh lads in Leeds and two, why the hell would anybody want to impersonate any Peterborough fan if you and Mr Durham are anything to go by?
Russ Cowling
Media Sales Partner
Dewsbury Reporter
It has just hit the news that Hull have been charged with fielding an unregistered player at the end of January 2009.
Apparently when they signed Kamil Zayatte from Young Boys for 2.5 million on January 23 this year, there had been some irregularities with the transfer and he was not formerly registered when Hull drew 2-2 with West Brom.
West Brom have been awarded three points for that game instead of one, but it has made no difference to them, they are still relegated.
However, Hull have been stripped of their point, which puts them on the same points as Newcastle, but with a poorer goal difference.
Newcastle have complained immediately and if their claim is upheld, Hull will be relegated retrospectively and the Toon will stay up!
Dan Breen
PS: Carlsberg don't do e-mails for delusional Geordies, but if they did, they would probably be the best e-mails in the world!
Yawn. You're not even vaguely interesting or funny any more. Just more of the same old half-hearted rants. Get yourself a proper job, something that you would be good at . . . ah! I see the problem.
Sonny Jim
I don't agree with your comments about Newcastle fans and Alan Shearer, but your Leeds apology put a smile on my face.
AndyPosh
Top class as usual Swanny. Keep those Leeds fans wriggling and squirming. They can't cope with being a lower-ranked team than Posh.
A colleague of mine is a Leeds fan. He has to hark back to the 1970s all the time because the present is too painful. Keep up the good work.
You're doing a great job speaking for the silent majority about Leeds and Newcastle fans.
Bobajob
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