Alan Swann: Not a single ladies' sporting event worth admission money
WOMEN and sport really don't mix too well. I can't think of a single ladies sporting event worth admission money.
WOMEN and sport really don't mix too well. I can't think of a single ladies sporting event worth admission money.Tennis in the days of Chris Evert was okay, but, as Wimbledon will prove this fortnight, there isn't a single exciting player or one with an interesting personality any more.
Instead we are invited to watch a load of base-lining robots slug it out while making the sort of noise more suited to porn movies, or so my colleagues tell me.
The one merciful aspect of the ladies game is the length of matches. Most are so one-sided they last about an hour and yet in these maddening days of supposed equality, the anonymous winner of the ladies title will receive as much prize money as Roger Federer, one of the most dazzlingly briliant sportsmen in the world, will collect for winning the men's crown.
And did you see the Women's Twenty/20 cricket World Cup? I hope not as bowlers who send the ball down at 20 miles an hour to batsmen who can hardly hit the ball off the square is not an edifying spectacle.
New Zealand managed two fours on the shortened boundaries at Lord's in reaching a pathetic 85 all-out.
I'd let them use a tennis ball to at least give them some sense of power.
SOME good news for Manchester United fans after the loss of Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid.
Liverpool are trying to sign Glen Johnson for about half of their summer transfer budget. That's right, a right-back - one of the most irrelevant positions on the football field.
If Rafa Benitez really believes a full-back will make the difference in next season's Premier League title race, he's a bigger fool than even I realised.
To be fair United's numerous title wins (11 and counting since Liverpool last won one) have been down to Eric Cantona, Cristiano Ronaldo, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Wayne Rooney, Peter Schmeichel and Ronaldo.
Gary Neville and John O'Shea have been virtual passengers, like most full-backs.
THE BBC really should be banned from televising live sport.
I had some time off last week and tuned into Royal Ascot only to be assailed by a truly awful cast of presenters and commentators.
Someone needs to tell me just how fading snooker player John Parrott qualifies to act as one of the beeb's experts on odds, other than the fact that he has a famous face and is known to like a bet.
His main help in a tiresome double act comes from a loudmouth called Gary Wiltshire, a man famous only for losing a fortune as a bookie when Frankie Dettori rode all seven winners at Ascot.
Main commentator Jim McGrath irritates the hell out of me by continually calling 'the posi' of a horse. I assume he means position which is just one syllable longer so surely he has time to say it in full.
Main presenter Clare Balding is a known reader of, and contributor to, this column, but unfortunately she has yet to heed my advice on fashion.
She continues to dress like a drag queen which is unfortunate as the beeb treat Royal Ascot like a fashion parade as much as a sporting event, complete with dress-sense 'experts' who appear to have been selected for their high dosage of campness as much as their knowledge.
I HAVE to confess I found cricket's World Twenty/20 Cup riveting viewing. They may as well disband the 50-over version of the one-day game because it's too dull by comparison to attract attendances in the future.
The highlights were the fantastic atmospheres created by the Pakistan and India sides. The lowlights were inevitably the confused thinking, planning and selection of the gormless England side.
England captain Paul Collingwood reckoned he was proud of his players after three defeats in five matches including one against Holland. That was like losing to Andorra at football, something that should never happen no matter how short the game. So hopefully clueless Collingwood will never lead his country again.
Sacking him as skipper would ensure he doesn't get a game in the side as well. Twenty/20 cricket is about big hits and innovation which are two skills Collingwood lacks.
England had of course one such potentially match-winning slogger in Graham Napier. He can also bowl a bit, but after picking him in the squad, England chose not to play him at all.
And to think there are some people out there who believe England coach Andy Flower can lead us to victory in the Ashes. The reality is we haven't got a prayer.SWANNY'S FANMAIL
You disappoint me. Your perfect description of cyclists and cycling fans missed out the biggest single problem with the 'sport' - bigger even then their habit of racing on pathways and making you late for your shopping.
Cycling is full of cheating drug-takers. For that reason alone it should be banned from our TV screens. The fact that it is as boring as watching paint dry is incidental.
George Lemoir
Chatteris
We love you Swanny your column always makes us laugh. Cycling is boring and full of drug-takers. Keep up the good work.
JJ28
Bourne
Some things you write ring true, but your diatribe against cycling was not one of them. It certainly was not 'brilliantly-argued', it was clearly the ranting of someone who doesn't understand the sport and was inconvenienced for a few hours on a late shopping night!
A so-called Chief Sports Reporter shouldn't have the right to write such turgid rubbish just because he doesn't like or understand a sport.
There were a lot of people who failed to see the 'humour' in the article because it clearly betrayed the man's thoughts.
Hot to Trot
Thanks for making the photo of your alcohol and nicotine addled features smaller. It makes projectile vomiting over the keyboard less likely.
Vegetable
My congratulations on your assessment of Cristiano Ronaldo, especially as you managed to describe him so accurately without requiring a single expletive.
I must confess that every descriptive term I came up with would have required the use of several asterisks before appearing in a family newspaper.
Fool on the Hill
What's with all the so-called 'Chief Sports Reporter' type comments this week and last?
Bearing in mind they are all attacking Mr Swann for ignorance - I trust that such comments are not based just on a weekly wind-up column and that they have also read and vehemently disagreed with his reporting of local hockey, cricket, football, etc.
Oddjob
Peterborough
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