Fat Free

I sent a message to the chips:

I said, "I'm spreading at the hips."

Some Maris Pipers, from their sack,

Promptly sent an answer back.

The Maris Pipers answered "So?"

"We should not comment, sir, although –"

I sent again to tell them that

They came to me with too much fat.

The Maris Pipers said, "Then boil

Your testicles in sunflower oil".

I said at once, "You are too rash!"

I said I'd boil them into mash.

I took a long serrated spoon.

They'd learn to pipe another tune.

My heart went hop, I racked my brains;

Cholesterol surged through my veins.

Then someone rang me up to say;

"The Maris Pipers are away."

I said to him, "There is no doubt,

You must go now and seek them out".

My mouth was dry, my voice was shrill,

I said, "You shall obey my will".

But when I told him to be quick,

He cut the call off with a click.

And when I tried a sterner tone,

He switched me to his answer-phone.

I took a shovel to the shed,

I went to dig them out instead.

But when I found the door was stuck,

I pushed and pulled, with little luck.

And when I found it fastened tight,

I tried the lock, but couldn't quite –

Nick Taylor