This is all getting very confusing. My mate says retrosexual is 'in' and that mertro-sexuality went out with "the new man" fad.

So what is this phenomenon? The clue is in the word "retro" meaning "modelled on something from past". In other words it is a return to "old school" values and caveman instincts. There are a number of modes of behaviour and codes of conduct that are the hallmark of the retrosexual male.

Firstly retrosexual man greets other retrosexual men with a firm gripped handshake and not one of those girly man hugs.

One congratulatory hearty slap on the back is permitted after a birth/divorce announcement or a score of more than a hundred at darts.

Only when drunk can a retrosexual man hug or kiss another retrosexual man.

Retrosexuals don't cry and they definitely don't do foreplay (look I'm not making this up, this is what I've been told).

Certainly my shopping basket has shades of retrosexuality. Pot Noodles, whiskey, ready meal curries, Heinz baked beans, large bag of potatoes, PG Tips tea bags and six eggs. I defy retrosexual stereotypes though because I have free range eggs – caring for animals and the environment is more of a metrosexual trait.

Plus there's also cheese and onion quiche and low fat yoghurt too. Anything with the words "low fat" on it I presume would be strictly off limits for the retrosexual male.

They would never be seen eating muesli – an artery-clogging, freshly cooked full English would start the day. There is even a guide on how to be a retrosexual male. The Retrosexual Manual: How To Be A Real Man says a man can say something nice about a woman's looks "but in a way that shows a lack of understanding" – for example 'That's a nice badge, brooch-type thing you're wearing'."

The book says if she starts banging on about stuff that doesn't interest you, the general rule is nod twice and smile at 20-second intervals.

And never declare undying love. Instead assume a silent reverie.

I have a feeling we have all been here before and women have seen it all before. For women wishing to avoid a retrosexual male – seeing as how it's just another fancy term for a "chauvinist pig" – I would look out for tell-tale signs on your first date. The ring tone on a retrosexual's phone would be a dead give away. If you hear either the theme tune to Match of the Day,

Rocky or some cult horror movie get out before it's too late.