A friend of mine took me to task over the column, accusing me of encouraging small-time theft and possession of a rather wayward moral compass. The accusations centred around me not condemning people who eat fruit while filing up a tub of strawberries or raspberries.

The problem is children are not very good at concealing the evidence of their misdemeanours at PYOs. They emerge at the weigh and pay area with the tell-tale signs of their crimes running down their chins. It's the equivalent of leaving a calling card at the scene of a murder and your fingerprints all over the weapon.

Upon interrogation they cave in like stool pigeons and sing like canaries (I think I've exhausted the bird/snitch metaphor thing).

Farm owner: "Oh. I see someone's been enjoying the fruit on the way round."

Toddler with juice-splattered face: "Yes. My daddy told me it was OK to eat as much as I like. He said it's saving money and we are not being paid to pick the fruit."

Farm owner: "Oh did he?"

It's the kind of modern day, low-level crime that at some point in our lives we have all committed – like pinching a few sweets while filling our bag at the pick and mix and justifying our behaviour because it's overpriced. Or dumping your supermarket trolley in a space reserved for parking rather than the trolley collection point because you don't have a pound coin inside and, well, it's giving someone else a job isn't it?

There are some other crimes that, as a MADman, you may be committing on a daily basis and not be aware of.

For a start, if you're newly separated but not yet divorced, you are technically committing adultery with that woman you met down Chicago's last week.

This actually sounds a bit rock 'n' roll and may well be one of the most dangerous, exciting, devil-may-care things you have ever done in your life. Other MADman crimes are less glamorous and exotic.

If you're in your forties and fifties you will probably be committing countless crimes against fashion and style.

Then there's dancing like a dad in a public place and in a manner likely to cause others to fear for their lives.

The follicley-challenged among you may be guilty of carrying an offensive hairpiece after the hours of darkness (there is an alternative charge of cruelty to animals since it looks like you have a small furry mammal attached to your scalp).

But it's not all bad. You have, at least, reached the stage in your life when you can resort to a plea of not guilty by virtue of senility.