It's amazing how resourceful you can be with a microwave. Pies never quite worked in the microwave though.

But I'm not here to prattle on about my culinary inventiveness. The reason I regale you with this insight into my squalid existence is that I spent the weekend at long last unpacking all the kitchen utensils that I plundered during the divorce.

In the domestic carve-up of our household items I basically got all the crap that my ex didn't want. Have you ever tried cooking a Sunday roast in a fondue set? I also took ownership of the ropey ornaments – the soapstone figurine with the missing head; the china teddy bear wearing a cape (??) and flowers made out of old coat hangers (and you think I'm making this lot up).

I didn't mind getting the kitchen and ornamental cast-offs as I'm not particularly materialistic, and I figured that the best stuff should remain at the boys' main home.

Like the rest of you, I have heard of horror stories of protracted legal battles over shared items, of chairs sawn in half and bitter court dust-ups over CD collections. There were no problems with regard to the latter. I could never convince her of the melodic merits of prog rock, and I'm sure she would have cited my music taste in the divorce papers if she could.

Not all divvying up of marital assets is quite so amicable and hassle-free – vis a vis Paul McCartney, Heather Mills and the princely sum of £24.3 million.

So I have come up with some relatively simple and pain-free solutions on how to settle who gets what in a relationship break-up without recourse to the vultures (lawyers).

My advice is that you should make the whole process a fun thing to do.

Play a game of cards for instance. Pontoon is good. Snap is good, too.

Don't suggest strip poker as she could have the shirt off your back figuratively speaking and literally speaking.

Also avoid playing a game of Twister, as this could descend into an unseemly wrestling match.

If you're feeling in a particularly vindictive mood you could suggest Operation. This is where you have to remove bits of the human body with tweezers while trying to avoid contact with a beeping alarm.

This will give you the opportunity to say things like: "You should be able to remove the heart without too much trouble – you managed to rip mine out without too much fuss."

To which she will reply: "At least I don't have to worry about removing a spleen. You lost yours years ago."