Yes, the divorce of pop legend Madonna and film director Guy Ritchie is set to be this autumn's newspaper best seller. The insults are already flying, albeit leaked by "friends close to'' one or other of the warring pair.

What is actually a very sad situation – two people who used to love each other going at it hammer and tongs – is being presented as amusement for the rest of us.

But Madonna's "friends'' are going to have to up their game, as Guy's "pals'' are already ahead on points in the insults war.

Her first salvo when it was suggested he was "emotionally retarded'' was just lame.

He's a man, for goodness sake, of course he's emotionally retarded. In fact, quite a lot of us would take that as a compliment.

Then, he's slagged off for eating sausage rolls. Another compliment.

Guy's pals are much better at this game, but maybe they're too good.

His reported jibe that making love to Madge was like "cuddling up to a piece of gristle'' is just too bitter.

My Special Friend and I are never going to split up, because we have too much fun making each other's lives a misery. But if we did, no doubt all the things we find adorable about each other would overnight become the things we hate the most.

My habit of giving a rendition of the popular terrace chant "Leeds fans here, Leeds fans there, Leeds fans every bleeping where'' every time I discover that a celebrity or someone I've just met is also a Leeds United fan would go from being amusing to pathetic (yes, I know the rest of you already think it's pathetic, but she loves me).

Playing five-a-side football at the age of 49 would go from "laudable'' to "laughable''. My below average hand size would be met not with "aahs'', but snorts of derision.

It would be an uneven fight.

The best/worst insult I can come up with is: "She didn't make me enough of her gorgeous Yorkshire puddings''.

Posh striker scores own goal
The surprising aspect of the Aaron Mclean court case is that some people still seem to expect professional footballers to be good role models. After the antics of several Premiership stars, surely that's an unrealistic view.

I've no wish to demonise the Posh striker, who admitted a string of motoring offences, including driving while using a mobile phone.