Peter Rook: on MAD-granddads
It occurred to me that many of my fellow MADmen (remember: that refers to Middle-Aged Divorced men, not the demented, criminally insane or certifiable men) may also be MAD-granddads.
It occurred to me that many of my fellow MADmen (remember: that refers to Middle-Aged Divorced men, not the demented, criminally insane or certifiable men) may also be MAD-granddads.My sons are too young to sire offspring, at least that's what I've told them accompanied with explicit threats to remove offending body parts if they ever dared get a girl pregnant.
It is a serious concern for modern-day parents.
Official figures consistently show that Britain has the highest number of teenage pregnancies in Europe. Who says we are not the best at anything? Go Britain!
If the statistics are correct, we must also have the highest number of middle-aged grandparents in Europe, so it's no great leap to suggest that we have the highest density of MAD-granddads.
The problem with being a MAD-granddad is that, due to your divorce, you have probably developed an unhealthy cynicism towards relationships per se.
"Look, your mother and I could not work out our differences and we are relatively mature adults. How on earth do you think you and that jobless, acne-encrusted boyfriend are going to last now that you have a little one on the way?"
Becoming a grandparent in your middle years also means that you get no time to recover from bringing up your children before you're presented with grandchildren to look after.
At this stage in your life, you can't even escape to Spain or Sunny Hunny to retire. And you're not going to get a break from those crippling maintenance payments either.
Just when you thought that they had reached the age when you could stop shelling out, along comes the patter of tiny feet and life's biggest cash cow.
Now that you're a grandparent, you have to decide how you want to be addressed by your grandchild.
Granddad, grandpa, grandfather, Colin (that's if your name is Colin of course) as, nowadays, some modern young grandparents prefer to be known to the grandchildren by their first names because any other name makes you sound prematurely pre-historic. Grandpa, in particular, has the ring of someone depressingly decrepit and arthritic.
You must resist the urge to share your superior knowledge with your sons and daughters whenever they don't need it. Just remember back to when your own parents sanctimoniously proffered their unwanted expertise on anything from how to change a nappy to the best method for dealing with a touch of cholic.
"And a little tot of whisky in their bottles before bedtime will ensure a good night's sleep."
"You used to give me whisky as a baby? That will explain why I'm borderline alcoholic."
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Saturday 20 March 2010
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