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Sands: Care and support for couples after the death of a baby
Helen Thompson with son Ethan Cross (1) pictured at home in Woodston. Picture: Ben Davis/Peterborough ET
Carly Lewthwaite meets a Peterborough couple who lost their baby back in 2008, they decided to use their experiences to help others, and to help fund essential and ongoing research:
When Helen Thompson and her partner Steve Cross discovered she was pregnant in 2008, they were thrilled.
At the age of 27 it was Helen’s first child, which they discovered at a 20-week scan was a little boy, who they named Jack.
Helen sailed through her pregnancy with no complications and had planned a home birth.
She said: “At 35 weeks I started having stomach pains. It was my first baby so I thought it was a normal thing to be happening. It wasn’t a continuous pain so I wasn’t too worried.”
However it was Helen’s mum who encouraged her to get it checked out.
“She said I didn’t seem right, so I called the hospital. They said it was probably nothing but asked me to come in anyway so they could check it out.”
When the doctors went quiet and second opinions were sought, Helen knew there was something wrong.
She explained: “They couldn’t detect his heartbeat with the monitor, so they left to get someone else and brought back a machine to do a scan.
“The doctor didn’t say anything or look at me, so I knew there was something going on.
“Another doctor then came in to look at the scan and said he was sorry, but my baby had died.”
In overwhelming shock, Helen was told that she was actually in labour and almost fully dilated.
When a baby dies in the womb it is common for the mother to have to give birth naturally, often with drugs to induce the labour.
Stillborn babies are not delivered by caesarian unless there is a medical reason to do so.
Still not quite believing what she had been told, Helen was taken to a hospital bereavement room, where a midwife was standing by.
Helen said: “I was in labour for eight hours and had gas and air and morphine.
“Part of me was thinking that they might have got it wrong, how could they know for sure? Maybe there was something wrong with the machines?
“There was so much going through my mind, and as well as wondering if the doctors were wrong, I also thought it was going to be scary.”
Supported by Steve, her mother and the medical team, Helen gave birth to baby Jack on July 29, 2008.
Helen said: “As soon as he came out I could see that he was pink and absolutely perfect. I thought he was going to start crying at any moment.”
The hospital staff treated the couple well, allowing Steve to stay overnight in the room with Helen and Jack.
Helen said that visits from relatives brought both support and tears.
“It was very emotional. Everyone was coming in to see Jack and saying how beautiful he was.”
After spending another day with their son, Helen and Steve decided it was time to go home.
She said: “The staff said we could stay as long as we wanted, but we were torn. We wanted to stay with Jack but at the same time we felt that we didn’t want to be in the hospital anymore.”
Jack was cremated in the second week of August 2008, because the couple opted for a post mortem, hoping to find out what had gone wrong.
The devastation of losing a baby can be compounded by the fact that sometimes, there is simply no reason. In Jack’s case, it was a problem with the placenta.
Helen explained: “We found out that the blood supply wasn’t coming through the cord properly, so the placenta had started to die off earlier than it should have.
“Before we got the results we wondered what had gone wrong, and I was wondering if it was something I had done.”
Upon returning home, the couple began the long and painful process of coming to terms with their loss. Counselling was offered, but there was little else in the way of professional advice and support.
After finding nothing locally, Helen took it upon herself to start her own local group, a branch of established charity, Sands.
The Stillbirth and neonatal death charity was founded in 1978 by a small group of bereaved parents. Devastated by the death of their babies, they felt there was a lack of understanding of the significance and impact of their loss.
Helen said: “I heard that there were a few groups around, but the nearest one I could find was Nottingham. If you are going to a group to discuss your loss, you don’t really want to have a long drive home afterwards.”
Helen set up the Peterborough branch of Sands, a group that meets on the third Thursday of the month at Riverside Pavillion.
Open to everyone who has lost a baby, from the parents themselves to family members, the group is an informal way to meet others in a similar situation.
Helen said: “Some people like to talk about their next pregnancy and any fears they may have, whereas others come as a couple, and talk about how they are dealing with their loss together. Everyone is welcome.”
Helen was so keen to set up a local branch of Sands because she turned to their website and forums after losing Jack.
“Knowing what I was feeling was normal and having somewhere to share my experiences with people who have been through the same thing really helped. They know where you are coming from and you don’t have to explain everything, they have been there.”
Despite the sadness of losing Jack, Helen and Steve, a tree surgeon, knew that not having another baby wasn’t an option.
Helen said: “We had such a strong urge to have a baby. When Jack died, so did our roles as parents, we felt that a part of us was missing.” Helen’s second pregnancy went well, with close monitoring throughout.
She said: “When he was born we were just so elated. The normal tiredness and stress that new parents can experience didn’t affect us, we were on a high for three months!
Meeting Helen in her home, it is clear to see how much Jack is missed. But along with the sadness is a positive, her son Ethan.
Now a year old, he really is a little bundle of sunshine and, along with Jack’s memory, is helping to drive Helen’s enthusiasm to help others.
“We decided that we wanted to make our lives a tribute to Jack. We had a choice. We could either crumble or make our lives count and do good in his memory.”
Support charity at fund-raising event
If you want an enjoyable evening out whilst raising funds for Peterborough Sands, keep March 25th 2011 clear in your diary.
The event takes place at the Old Coach House, Market Deeping, and starts at 6pm.
Siren will be headlining with support from Icons of the Brave, John Lichfield and Gary Charlesworth.
Helen said: “The bands are friends of ours and the Old Coach House has provided the venue for free, so we can raise as much money as possible.”
How you can find out more about Sands
Helen Thompson has set up a Peterborough branch of Sands, the national stillbirth and neonatal death charity.
The group meets on the third Thursday of every month at Riverside Pavillion, Candy Street, Peterborough, with the next event scheduled for March 17.
The meeting starts at 7.30pm and is open to anyone who has been affected by the death of a baby. Whatever the gestation of your baby, whether they were stillborn, died after birth, miscarried or you had to make the heartbreaking decision to end a pregnancy for medical reasons, you can find support with Peterborough Sands.
To find out more, please email sandspeterborough@gmail.com or contact the Sands helpline on 0207 436 5881.
Peterborough Sands is in the process of setting up their own local phone line.
Until this is active, please email the address above with your name and contact details and someone will give you a call back, usually within 48 hours.
To talk to others in a similar situation, visit www.forum.sandsforum.org. You can also visit the national Sands website at www.uk-sands.org
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