I'd decided to tell her straight, face to face, and although it pained me greatly, it needed saying. I hoped it didn't hurt her feelings too much.

Her weight gain has been gradual, almost un-noticed by the wife and I. But after a routine visit to the Hampton vets recently, the animal expert in the white coat told us that she was alarmed by our dog's build up of bulk. And she's put Duffy on a diet!

We have been given a long list of "dos and don'ts", plus a weekly chart to plot her weight.

Upon closer inspection it's fair to say you can see her flabby tummy; indeed when she sits, her whole body appears to sag to one side. It is a little alarming.

We made a pact to stop her treats and our habit of tossing her leftover meals was also abandoned. Trouble is, almost overnight, Duffy's behaviour has changed dramatically. The poor thing is absolutely starving – all day, every day. Famished.

Last Thursday, after turning our backs on her for just a moment, she ate my entire birthday cake, and all of its packaging. She also consumed the candles, which hadn't long been blown out. We've noticed that she's taken to eating things recently that she normally would just sniff. Medium sized stones, dressing gown belts, bike handle grips, patio chair legs, and worst of all . . .other dogs' faeces! Disgusting but true, and evidence I presume of her un-satisfied appetite.

When you walk into the same room as her you get these sappy dog eyes, pleading, no doubt, for food. At dinner time her medium sized portion of dog food is scoffed inside six seconds. And afterwards she gives you a look that is obviously begging for more.

Trust me, as hard as it is for a person to fight the flab, for a dog it's just the same.

So I say, stuff the diet. Our dog was a happy and healthy looking animal before all this started. So what if she's slightly overweight? Isn't it quality of life over quantity? And what kind of life is it anyway, if you are going to spend it with a permanent grumbling tummy.

We now plan to embrace her curves and toss her the odd scrap every now and then. If I could only find Duffy's weight chart I'd toss it into the recycling bin and be done with it. That's of course unless it's already been eaten.